Brenda for President

I’ve decided to throw my hat in the ring and make a run for President of the United States! I understand I’m a little late to the party, but what the heck! I am retired, so time is not a priority for me.

The politicians keep shooting themselves in the foot or another part of their body; there surely will be an opening in the very near future.

After reviewing the qualifications of the few who are considering entering the ring, I believe I have a better-than-average chance of making some noise, and with any luck, I might make a strong showing. How much worse can I be than what you’ve got to choose from so far in this down-and-dirty race? And make no mistake about it, they are all eyeing the Presidency. What have they got to lose? Yogi Bear would be a better leader than this motley crew!

Let’s take a hard look at what you have to pick from! Old codgers that have seen better day, or ones that want to be king! If the truth be known, we have all seen better days, and it has very little to do with our health.

The BIGLY old one, and he is OLD, only wants to cheat at golf, eat his weight in Cheeseburgers and fries, and that is a damn lot of meat! They’ll have to kill a cow just to make him one meal! Imagine the old fool hiring a chef and eating McDonald’s and Burger King in the White House! That won’t happen with me; I don’t eat red meat, so it will have to be chicken or turkey burgers! His favorite pastime is to blame anyone else for his lack of understanding of what it takes to run a country, let alone a marriage! And he thinks he is God’s gift to all women except his wife! Someone should tell him that he missed that mark by a country mile! It doesn’t matter how much you pay for it, it is still ain’t love! And last but not least, it doesn’t matter if you shit on a Gold Toidy; it is still shit, and it smells!

The other one is slim and trim and appears not to give a damn if we live or not as long as he can get his supply of eyeliner and he says he loves his “little woman who knows her place in his life and the world. He loves cozying up to Billionaires! He isn’t a “Johnny-come-lately” to the political party game, but he doesn’t need the money bad enough to start pitching canned goods and pillows from the Oval Office! He gets more done quietly working behind the scenes and smiling than screaming and calling everyone nasty and giving downgrading nicknames! I will never know why the one that wants to make things better is not the most popular one! It has been established that the current one isn’t a dog trainer! The good thing is he doesn’t shoot them, so there is one lonely point in his favor!

Last but not least, the guy who boasts of a worm in his brain says he is all better now! He bears the same name as a former well-known political family, but that is as far as it goes. They are probably spinning in their graves at his use of the name without the wit or the brains.

I will effectively execute the complex aspects of the Office of the President of the United States. I would prefer to have a majority in the House and Senate that leans toward the blue side, but I don’t care much. One way or another, I can do it with one arm tied behind my back! It is a well-known fact that women can multitask!

Here is my platform:

1. I’m really easy to get along with, as long as you do exactly what I tell you. I am a post-menopausal former redhead and left-handed Gemini, which should tell the head of any country that messing with me would not be in their best interests!
2. I will appoint pre- and postmenopausal women as my ambassadors. Guaranteed they won’t tolerate backtalk from the male-dominated societies of the world.
3. Since I am a woman, all the old White Men will think they will automatically be in charge and will assume that I am complacent and will do as they tell me! You do know what assume means, don’t you, guys? I hit the toilet every time! It will be an unpleasant surprise that I am neither complacent nor will I do almost nothing that the old farts tell me! Unless they actually get one thing right!
4. My one and only first Gentleman and I have been married for 62 years. There will be no dalliances for either of us! 
5. I will definitely need to read from a teleprompter with big fonts! We wouldn’t want me to be running off at the mouth like so many of the nitwits who think they know what this country needs. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know who! They make fools of themselves and the country! We’ve had enough of that bull puckey!
6. Let’s talk about age! I am willing to admit I am old, but I can still walk and chew gum! And being old is not a sin; I have no desire to lead forever! No worries about me planning a dictatorship! Both our Son and Daughter are old enough to live in a 55+ community, and they have no desire to follow me unless I am making pizza.
7. I don’t come from a long-standing political family, and to the best of my knowledge, I don’t have worms in any part of my body. Don’t they have worm medicine to cure dogs?
8. And I won’t be redecorating the white house! It looks pretty damned lovely compared to what most of us Seniors own! I might not even move in, but govern remotely! We don’t need a new China; the pattern that is in the cupboard will be good enough. However, if we do need new plates, they will be made in the USA.
9. I plan on sleeping in every bedroom for at least one night, and anyone who sends a big contribution might get to sleep in one for one night! But, by themselves!
10. I will be happy to accept ALL the PAC money from everyone, as long as they don’t mind signing my little agreement that says, “Sorry, Sucker, I will do what is right for the country! I am the screwer, and you will be the screwee, for a change!
11. I expect to be a one-term President!  I am old but not stupid!
12. With the tax I am planning on slapping on the millionaires and Billionaires, there will be plenty of money to raise the minimum wage to $25.00 an hour, not that sissy $15.00.
13. With the money left over from the millionaire and billionaire tax, everyone receives full-coverage insurance, with no pre-existing conditions, and there are no co-pays. Don’t worry! They will only pay the same percentage that middle-class Americans have been paying for years, while they have been paying 0%. Medicare will forever be safe and never borrowed from ever again.
14. All laws designed to protect the environment that were reversed under the Previous Administration will be reinstated. Yay! Clean water, air, and undisturbed land!
15. Sorry, college-bound! You still have to pay for college, but the interest is low, and it is SIMPLE INTEREST. You figure the percentage on balance once, and it is added to the amount owed and never recalculated on the declining balance over and over. You will find you can pay it back before you die. AND the full amount you pay each year will be deductible from your income tax.
16. There will be thousands of steel beams for sale! Or we can build something useful with them. We don’t need a border wall; we need compassion for those who flee injustice. If we mind our own business, no one will be clammering to sneak into our country. The process of becoming a citizen will be less expensive and take less time than it is currently. Those who wish to come here will have the opportunity to work and pay taxes. It is a fact that immigrants WANT to come here because they have a chance to make a life. Come here for any other purpose, and you will be sent home!
17. There will be no bailouts for corporations and Banks that get into trouble due to risky speculation. You are on your own, pals! Just like the depositors that made you rich! No golden parachutes on the taxpayer’s dime!
18. Banks and all Lending institutions: If you speculate with your depositors’ money, be prepared to pay all of it back to them. And no Chapter 11, where you get to go bankrupt and continue to thrive on other people’s money. You play, you pay!

Did I miss anything? I want to clarify that this is intended for entertainment and is meant to be taken in a lighthearted, sarcastic manner.

No money will be accepted unless you understand and agree to #10.

Thanks for reading my blog, feel free to comment.

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